After the third day...

I have gotten used to my dad again.  It took me three days to adapt and come to terms with his present condition and how he feels about it.  His determination to walk and to view himself as able and important are quite impressive. I mean, he puts himself in the middle of the busy walkstreet, full of couples, running kids and barking dogs, and wonders why all these people are rude enough to stand in his way, and he waves them away with his cane.  He takes hours to do anything, be it climb a step, zip up his coat, or take out his change purse.  It got on my nerves in the beginning, but I have adapted to his rythm now, and understand that there is no reason he shouldn't take his time, and see the world in his own light. That's the secret of longevity perhaps.  He loves to get out and about, and look into all the shops - the baker, the butcher, the pharmacy... he eats all his food slowly and methodically but with real relish, and his sense of humour is undented by his condition. Hats off, papa. On top of it, being with him has made me confront my own intolerance. It reminds me of walking down the street in Lund around Christmas with little Julia who had just learned to walk.  She needed to stop in front of every shop window and examine the Christmas decorations which I hardly noticed or took for granted, and comment on them with her little pointy finger.  Titta jultomten!
Different speeds at different times of life so to speak.I need to learn to slow down and see life through other's eyes as well as through my own.

My old dad drives me nuts

He's 85 years old, can hardly walk, but is as stubborn as a mule and insists on getting out on to the busy walkstreet pushing his wheelchair instead of sitting in it, and looking angrily at all the people standing there and wonders why they are in his way?  I mean, he thinks all of the normal people walking normally across the street, and the children running and dodging, and the dogs on their leashes, are there just to make things difficult for him.

He drives me nuts.

He keeps asking me the same questions: How is Camillo doing at Henri IV and is Leon still a waiter?  Leon has never been a waiter and Camillo is working now!! And he doesn't even ask about the girls! He asked about Camillo's girlfriend, and I said they had broken up.  "I guess she couldn't keep up with his intellect".  I told him I didn't think the intellect was the problem.  I didn't tell him he left her for a boy.  I wonder how he would have taken that?  I guess only boys have the intellect, is that it?  Should I tell him, just to see his reaction?

Deep deep down

Good morning, world.

Well, I asked for it. Here I am face to face with myself, and my creativity. Now the real work begins. Could this be why I am feeling all this incredible sadness coming up?  All of this pain?  Am I sure I want this?  How to get rid of it? Put it in a painting!! Express it! Write it! Get it out! Throw it into a chicken like the witch doctor does! Poor chicken...

This is exactly what Julia Elmore expressed on the beginning of her challenge. Wanted to express JOY and ended up expressing SADNESS.  I guess that's the door you have to go through.

Last night I went to my painting class and couldn't get the strength or desire up to get in there, I just sat in the car feeling this huge ball of pain in my chest, but WHY? I should be jumping for joy! I now have everything I've always wanted!

I wanted the space to be me, the space and time to create, and now I have it.  Facing that white page, I feel terrified.

Perhaps also the fact that the 30 day challenge is over, and I'm left on my own?

This scary place, Julia Cameron talks about it. So does Connie.  It's normal. IT'S NORMAL!!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME !  It's part of the process. So dig in!! Get to it! Au boulot!

Where to go from here

SO! The 30 day challenge is over, and I've signed up to Play to Win for one year, Woohooo!  Time to stop and reflect and the path I have taken up to here, and where I intend to go henceforth.

When I stop and think about it, the path I have covered so far is quite extraordinary really.  One year ago today, I was in a job I loathed and looking forward to retirement. How sad is that? The lot of many people though I'm afraid.  I was already feeling an incredible urge to get out of there and honour my creative self.  I should look up the date I purchased that book - Screw Work Let's Play, and signed up for a year long coaching session with Sophie (actually that was January of 2012). I also had some coaching with my dear sister Pia, and that is when it became crystal clear to me what I wanted to do, and that what I needed most to get there was TIME.

Now, I no longer work, my kids are old enough to be responsible although they still need my guidance,  and I have TIME. I also have enough money to pay the rent and enough savings to cover the studies of my daughters. What's more, I know what I want to do:  I want to play with paint, textiles, knitting, weaving and just make stuff.  I want to throw color around and make it sing! I want to make life beautiful. I want to honour my mother who revealed the artist I am to myself, and that I didn't have the guts to become until now. I am scared shitless!  I seem to be finding all kinds of excuses now to NOT get into the studio and just create. Excuses, excuses, excuses!

When I first quit work, I was determined to keep getting up real early every day (no later than 6) to take advantage of every hour of the day.  Then little by little I started relaxing a bit, and giving myself permission to take it easy and just follow my biological rythm, while meditating daily.  I now realise that I have to find the road in between; I do need the discipline of a structured day if I want to do all the things I want to do which are:

• meditate,
• walk or cycle daily
• do a morning dance
• create in the mornings until I run out of juice
• do some daily decluttering
• socialize
• write
• prepare healthy food and 
• wash (cleanse my spirit and body) (perhaps swim?)
• read and rest.

That would be my ideal day!

However sometimes I need to break it up into week-long activities, as I will be doing next week: having musicians out to record, I will cook and while they do their thing, I can do mine.  Make the most of it!

What I've been finding is that I'm afraid to have too much fun; I feel like I have to make this into some kind of JOB or WORK in order to make money out of it.  Whereas this is not what I have been learning! I have to get more and more PLAY out of my days FIRST, and once I really get the PLAY routine down, I can start considering how to make it pay.  First the ENERGY and the GENIUS, then the VALUE, remember?

SO, and this is great news, what I have to do now is just HAVE FUN!! What an incredible trip! I've made all these new and inspiring friends who seem to be able to do just that much more easily than me, so I need to learn from them.

I haven't been exploring artistically yet.  I really need the discipline to just get in the studio EVERY DAY and make something.  I can mix it all up: paint sew, glue, knit, weave, it doesn't have to be separate.  When I look at this book called 1000 textiles, it shows me so many possibilities.  I definietly need to meet this woman who does dyeing, and get my hands on some wool, and learn how to card it and felt it and dye it with natural dyes from plants.  This excites me.  I also want to get into painting but I am having a real blockage here.  I hope the 21 secrets journaling workshop will get me OUT of my block.

I feel jealous of those who do paint and draw, and yet what is stopping me?  It comes from within, that's for sure.

So if I answer the 3 questions in the P2W Reflection exercise, my answers would be:

1) Over the 30DC course what have you learned about yourself?

that I'm having trouble giving myself permission to play and am trying to make it into work

2) What have you learned about what you enjoy and the way you enjoy doing things?

I like to leave things a bit to chance, to serendipity, to whatever comes up, but sometimes nothing comes up and time just goes by.  I need to learn to discipline myself to create daily. Must read Twyla Tharpe's book.
I also always take on too much and need to learn to delegate -  this applies in particular to my creative workshops, I need to let people come with their own workshop and students.  There is no way I can do it all.  Breathe!  Let go!!

My 3 achivements of the 30DC that I am most proud of:

I created a flyer
I bought a 4-shaft loom and warping frame
I got the studio organised
I am hosting a recording session for musicians
I got a full programme of workshops at La Valinière for this spring
I joined a painting class and didn't drop out
I joined a rowing class and almost dropped out but got back in again
I took some photos I really like and made a film about snow (waiting for Camillo at the train station)

Now it seems I have been preparing and preparing to be able to create, so it's time to STOP preparing and CREATE daily.

CREATE DAILY!!!

Get the paints out, the glue and the scissors! Get my hands dirty! Put on the music! Knit daily! Finish my projects! Accomplish!! Accomplish and achieve and take pictures!  Share!! People will start following my blogs and website when there is something to show on it!  Where is the Energy, the Genius and the Value?

(Also, this, a proper routine, will, I'm sure, get my weight down).

I also want to make my home and garden beautiful and enjoyable, the way I want them!.  I want to repaint, hang paintings, get a new bed for a guest room (later), re-organise the living room and make it light and pleasant, have flowers and plants in the courtyard.

In the country I want to USE the fabulous studio, get some help for the garden, plant vegetables and flowers.

So what is my plan for next week?  I need to throw out all the wood one day and get the atelier operational (organise by the cellar entrance) and refresh on warping the loom.  Decide on a project. But most of all CREATE DAILY.

I should also study the knitting machine and see if I can set it up.

And paint!  Paint what?  Portraits? Sheep? Cows? landscapes? Flowers? Apples? Get my painting bag all ready so I don't have to ask for stuff in class, it's so embarrassing.  Get with it now!!

Okay, good night.

Mille mercis

Je suis devant la cheminée à la Valinière.  Pendant le trajet de trois heures pour venir ce matin, je pensais à tout ce que je voulais écrire. ça débordait de partout. Il me faut écrire des billets de gratitude. Sur mon chemin de vie, sur ma route spirituelle, je veux prendre le temps de regarder en arrière et de dire merci. Plus j'y pensais, plus je me rendais compte que ce serait infini. Mais bon, il le faut. Il y a les choses évidentes, puis les choses moins évidentes.

La toute première chose pour laquelle je veux exprimer ma gratitude,bien entendu, c'est la vie. C'est énorme! Quel périple! Quelle quantité de gens j'ai rencontrés, chacun étant un univers différent!  Que de voyages, de cultures, de façon d'être et de penser! Que d'étapes franchies!

Ensuite, j'aimerais remercier mes parents, qui m'ont donné cette vie, qui m'ont donné mes soeurs, chacune avec ses trésors; qui m'ont fait voyager et connaître le monde de la Suède, le monde des Etats-Unis, le monde de la Belgique, et enfin la France.  Enfin, quand je dis le monde, à chaque fois c'est une tout petite partie de ce monde. Ils m'ont donné mon éducation, avec ses contrastes, et ils m'ont montré ce qu'ils pouvaient de meilleur d'eux même.  Maman m'a transmis sa fascination devant la nature, sa créativité, son goût de l'aventure, son amour de la cuisine et des belles choses.  Papa m'a transmis son respect des études et de la littérature, son sens de l'humour, le sud des Etats Unis et ses auteurs, Mark Twain, William Faulkner, les mélanges de cultures et les paradoxes qu'ils engendrent. Ce couple incongru m'a donné le goût de la vie hors normes, et c'est une grande chance.

J'aimerais remercier mes soeurs.
J'aimerais remercier mes neveux et nièces.
J'aimerais remercier Fabian.
J'aimerais remercier mes enfants.
J'aimerais remercier mes amis;
J'aimerais remercier mes collègues.
J'aimerais remercier les inventeurs de la technologie nouvelle pour toutes les merveilles dont on profite au quotidien (la musique; l'internet, l'art, le cinéma, la photo...)
J'aimerais remercier les musiciens qui depuis toujours nous emportent et nous font rêver
J'aimerais remercier la nature pour ses odeurs, ses couleurs, ses saisons, ses fleurs, ses plantes aux propriétés miraculeuses, les abeilles, les oiseaux, la faune immense et belle et pleine de mystères, le ciel avec ses étoiles, ses lever et ses couchers de soleil, les arbres qui nous donnent l'ombre, les fruits, le bois pour les feux de cheminée et les meubles, et les instruments de musique
la pierre pour sa solidité et sa beauté la terre pour sa fertilité et son odeur
les légumes et les céréales
les poules et les canards, les lapins
les boeufs et les cochons
J'aimerais remercier Dieu pour mon corps et ses merveilles.  Ma tête, mon imagination, mon intelligence, mon âme, mon esprit, mes oreilles, mes yeux, mon nez, ma bouche, mon cou, mes épaules, mon dos, mes bras, mes mains, mon coeur, mon système nerveux, mon syst-me respiratoire, mon système sanguin, mon système digestif, mon ventre, mes seins, mon sexe, mon cul, mes jambes, mes genoux, mes pieds, mes doigts de pied.
J'aimerais remercier l'eau, et l'air.
J'aimerais remercier le soleil, qui nous donne le jour et la nuit.; les étoiles, le feu.

Nouvelle vie - les débuts

Han je suis épuisée! je n'arrive pas à suivre mon propre programme! j'avais prévu de plonger directement dans la créativité sans penser que, ben oui, il faut préparer le terrain! L'atelier est dans un état! C'est horrible! J'ai amassé, amassé des trésors et maintenant, il y en a partout, les murs ont grandement besoin d'être repeints, il n'y a aucune organisation -il faut que je me repose déjà, car oui; j'ai vécu des choses assez éreintantes mine de rien, un changement de vie, deux voyages dans le passé, un en Suède et l'autre à Bruxelles, j'ai prévu des choses là tout de suite : des ateliers où je reçois du monde chez moi à la campagne, alors que la maison n'est même pas ouverte, des atelier tricot à Auvers tous les dimanches mais non mais qu'est-ce qui m'est passé par la tête?? je me suis inscrite à deux stages de travail du cuir auquel je n'ai absolument pas le temps d'aller... je suis folle ou quoi? Au secours! Revenons au bordel de mon atelier - j'ai des pelotes de laine, des carnets de croquis, des pinceaux, des livres, des piles de tissus, des affaires pour la brocante, tout est mélangé.  Une copine est passé hier et m'a dit: c'est simple: il te faut un coin tricot, une table pour ta machine à tricoter, une table pour la couture, et une table pour la peinture.  Sur les murs des étagères - une colonne pour les tissus, une colonne pour la laine, une colonne pour les livres.  Tout ça après un simple coup d'oeil sur l'atelier! mais comment font-ils (elles)? les gens organisés pour tout savoir tout de suite comme ça? Est-ce que je vais y arriver un jour?

Happy New Year 2013

Nous voici à l'aube de 2013, enfin dans un peu moins de 9 heures. Elle arrive enfin cette nouvelle année tant et tant attendue. La question est maintenant de savoir ce que je vais en faire. Car il s'agit d'en profiter, cette année est la mienne! c'est celle où j'accomplirai enfin mes rêves, que je mettrai en oeuvre mes désirs, tout est en place, il n'y a plus qu'à! plus au'à, plus qu'à quoi au juste? Voilà mettons tout cela au clair, pour bien commencer l'année.
Tout d'abord je vais ranger toute ma maison systématiquement de fond en comble, pièce par pièce, pour partir dans un environnement zen et organisé.  Je vais alimenter mon shop de tout ce que je vais vendre, sur les marchés et sur Etsy. Je vais alléger ma garde-robe  ma bibliothèque, ranger mes CDs et scanner les photos. Je vais commencer par la cuisine, ensuite chambre par chambre, le salon; la cour, et enfin l'atelier.
Ensuite je vais passer du temps chaque jour dans l'atelier.
Chaque jour.
Même si ce n'est qu'une heure; mais de préférence beaucoup d'heures.
Je vais me lever tôt et méditer, et sortir marcher, le matin et le soir.
Je vais passer du temps dans les musées parisiens et les expos.
Je vais écouter de la musique et lire, et aller au cinéma.
Je vais faire des photos.
Je vais coudre et apprendre à mieux coudre. Je vais me faire des vêtements.
Je vais recevoir des amis et écrire des lettres. Je vais peindre des portraits et faire des randonnées de 2-3 jours. Pendant ces randonnées je vais dessiner, peindre, faire des photos.
Je vais voyager dans mon environnement immédiat et proche, apprendre à connaître mes paysages intérieurs et extérieurs, avant de vouloir aller au bout du monde. Pourquoi aller si loin alors qu'on a un monde à explorer ici?
Je vais apprendre à être riche, à connaître mes richesses. Ne pas vouloir plus que ce que j'ai déjà, et apprécier l'abondance à ma disposition.
Je vais apprendre la terre, apprendre à vivre avec elle, à l'honorer et la nourrir, et en tirer ma nourriture. Je vais vivre dans le luxe, le luxe du temps, le luxe du moment présent.
Je souhaite à tous mes amis pour 2013 d'apprécier le luxe de l'instant présent.